Monday, February 23, 2009

Girls' Chat With Titi Oladepo

Q: I love this guy in church but I am not sure he loves me the way I do. Sometimes he says and gives me things a lay guy shouldn’t be giving a lay girl .So for a while I would think he loves me but later he changes and I would ask if he ever liked me. I love him dearly; I’ve seen and known other guys to know I do, but we both work in the household of God and I can’t tell him I love him as my friends advice. My fear is ‘’what if it turns out that he doesn’t love me after I have told him? The shame would be great for me, so I am scared. I try several times to put him out of my mind but he’s always there. So do I tell him or not. Please tell me what to do; I want to stop thinking about someone who does not like me.

A: Hi young lady! Let me start by saying that you are growing up because you are beginning to have feelings for the opposite sex which were probably not there when you were much younger. I’ll be very careful in answering your question because I have come to understand that the way we think at this stage of our lives is peculiar and if we are to stand out, we have to align our thinking pattern with that of God.

Permit me to ask you a question and please be very sincere in giving me an answer: What is Love? Is your answer what I’m thinking? Love is having feelings for someone or Love is caring about someone. Thank God we have a standard reference with which we can compare our ideas and that is the Bible! The Bible tells us that there are different types of Love: that which exists between friends, that between husband and wife and that which God has for us. The greatest of the three is the last in the list and with that kind of love in place in the heart of anyone, the other kinds of love which we will have to show at different times in our lives become really easy. I need you to know dear that love is more than a feeling, Love is a choice and it is based on knowledge.

Having said this, I want you to search your heart to know if what you feel for this guy is love or just a feeling based on some great attributes he has, the things he says to you or the things he gives you. We were made to love and be loved and it is normal for us to be attracted to the ‘good people’ especially in church. From your question, I can deduce that you feel he loves you when he gives or says and when he doesn’t, you doubt he even ‘likes’ you. You know what, that says a lot about what you think is love.

So, one important thing you might need to do is take a break of this feeling and let God’s love, as described in 1 CORINTHIANS 13, fill your heart first before you can begin to talk about loving someone. God’s love is unconditional and has no strings attached. Once God’s Love (Agape) fills your heart, you can relate freely with people without fear of being rejected. Another side to this is that, if a relationship is to start between a guy and a lady, it is the guy to take the first step and not the lady. This means that if at all what you feel is really love, then as the lady in the picture, you are expected to hold on for the guy who will come if the love is mutual and of God (very important for you as a daughter of destiny). Learn to love (Agape) freely but also define your relationships especially with the opposite sex.

So dear, please save yourself the shame and the fear. Don’t leap before you look. Subject what you feel to the acid test of TIME! All you feel might just be infatuation and though infatuation and love both shine brightly at first, infatuation fades out with time. Someone defined love as ‘friendship that has caught fire’ and this is a far cry from the instant desire that characterizes infatuation. There is no guarantee that these ‘intense emotions’ (which I think you have) will mature into love, only time can reveal the difference. Spend this time building good friendships and allow God’s love to be perfected in you.

You have questions you want to let out of your heart, right? Send an e-mail to and indicate if you want the question(s) addressed personally or through the magazine.

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